Biting the Pillow

i clench fistfuls of feathers, smothering myself in a frantic plea to black-out. Tears, sweat and drool soak the covers – i really need more standby linens. i have a love/hate relationship with my pillow. i’m hugging it, squeezing it, desperate for something to hold on to. i’m tearing at it, ripping it, pounding it with my fists and head… scratching and biting.

Then my head jerks back, pulled decisively by my rider. Like the trained beast that i am, i instantly recognize the command and obey. i push myself up and raise my head, turning to meet my tormentor’s eyes.

“Do you like that, bitch?”

Do i like that? What He’s doing to me? What a question. my entire body is in throbbing agony. my insides are literally being ripped apart. And it won’t end when he’s spent and finally pulls out of me; it’ll take days for the damage to heal.

How am i to answer? How doe He want me to answer? Am i meant to suffer for his pleasure? He hasn’t told me i'm being punished, but He doesn’t always. it’s His right to hurt me, to cause me pain… He hardly needs to announce His intentions. So am i meant to hate this treatment? Or is my suffering immaterial, just an inconsequential side-effect of his pleasure?

Not knowing the right answer, the answer He wants to hear, i simply confess the truth: “i love it.”

And i do. i don’t love pain; i'm not a masochist or a cutter. But i love being His… His to use, His to command. His to hurt. And that’s the point.

Is there something wrong with me? We’re taught from early childhood that we’re equals, the same. That marriage needs to be a partnership. That women can lead just as well as Men. i'm sorry; i just don’t buy it. You can argue biology or psychology, evolution or… or just about anything else you want to. You can come up with a thousand different reasons why it only *seems* like Men are superior, why it only looks like they’re meant to conquer, and we’re meant to serve. But maybe it seems that way, because that’s the way it is. Maybe i feel at home under the whip, because that’s where i’m meant to be.

i don’t know. i’m just a girl, and if i’m right, my opinion will never matter as much as a Man’s. But i have these thoughts rattling around inside my empty head, so let me spill a few out here and see what happens.